*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
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Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for