I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
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At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
O Wise One….
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀