A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
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I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Passwords are more important than ever.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.