For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
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It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit