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Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
hey, alexa
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Social Media and Real life
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
*power walks to the refrigerator*
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.