If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
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*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.