People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
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Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.