[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
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Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
incredible text to wake up to
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.