[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
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Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
socratic questions
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…