me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
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WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Cashiers are always checking me out
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Thrilling chase underway
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I’m confused about plants
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.