Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
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Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?