I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
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Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Breaking news:
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.