From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
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[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.