Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
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Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.