A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
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2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.