Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
You Might Also Like
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”