Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
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‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
“OMGJK” -atheists
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.