Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
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TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
💁🏻♂️
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Erm…
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
United Steaks of America
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes