I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.