Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
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Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Wednesday
Yes
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake