My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
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Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.