There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
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If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
FRED: right
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.