The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”