Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
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Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.