me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
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WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*