I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
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Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
the Monday after daylight savings
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.