Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
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me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in