When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house