ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
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A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!