Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
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My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.