wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
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“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.