Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
You Might Also Like
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”