Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
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People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.