I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
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I am also baked goods
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Finally a use for spoilers…
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.