My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
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I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free