My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
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Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Me too
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.