*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
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Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Breaking news:
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.