And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
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I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Happy Star Wars day!
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details