WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
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Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Candles never taste the way they smell
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors