Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
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I see a badly-tied bin liner.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed