Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
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As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
then why did i get this email
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.