I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
You Might Also Like
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Don’t make me out nice you.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?