Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
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Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it