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Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
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“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
There’s only one good girl here!
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
omg leave her alone
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
same energy
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no