My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
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Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
english majors be like furthermore
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”