Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
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Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
But I really needed water water water
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Legend 🤣🤣
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
A double negative is a big no-no.