The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
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I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Trying
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.