i love meeting boys on tinder
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#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
this is how life feels
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.