Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
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[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
So sick of all these stupid rules
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I’m giving up for Lent.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
This cat wants you to take your pills
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them