My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
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“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo